Blog: I Meant to Finish This
What does it mean to be happy?
This is a question that I have been asking myself since the last time I’ve posted on here and to be honest, I still don’t know the answer. I’ve spent the past couple of months with the battle of trying to get better, trying to think differently, trying to figure out what makes me happy.
I’d spend days staring at the ceiling of my apartment laying in my bed trying to figure out why I can’t get out of bed in the morning, beating myself up for not creating, doing, or feeling anything. I’d make plans for myself to go do something, and find little to no motivation to live up to most of the things I set out for myself, and just sit around and stay at home.
hap·py
/ˈhapē/
adjective
feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.
"Melissa came in looking happy and excited"
“A feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.” Honestly a pretty chill and easy definition.
Today is May 4th, 2022. I started this blog post with the intention of finishing it on December 13th, 2021. It’s crazy how things that you start and are passionate about can so easily be overcome by the “safety” and “fortitude” that staying “comfortable” brings. (Yes, that’s a lot of quotation marks). Staying in bed, playing video games, watching tv, are all the things that are so easy and safe to do that I just get so pulled into not doing anything else that I find hard but productive and needed. Photography, writing, working out, applying to new jobs, all are things that I find hard and productive. However, most of all of those things are things that I find fun. It’s a weird situation to explain but I’m going to try my best and hopefully I actually finish this post, cause there’s a lot in my head that has been needing to be brought out if you will.
When I first started this post I was really trying to understand why I’m not “happy.” You know, consistently disliking the person I see in the mirror and wondering why I am alive, and to be honest that feeling is still around. I’d wake up, upset that I’m not doing work that I want to do. I’d get upset with myself for not going out and taking photos as much as I used to. I’d even beat myself up for not finishing things that I had set out to do weeks ago. Like, I’m not happy with anything at all.
I feel like I’ve gotten into this routine of, waking up, going to work, coming home from work, and literally not doing anything else. Whether that be because I’m too mentally or physically exhausted or just sad enough to where all I want to do is just lay down till the next day. A very dangerous routine, and one where I know I am doing it, yet, I’ve grown so accustom to it that it feels too hard to get myself out of it.
There have been times where I’ve tried to break myself out of routine. I would go to the gym every other day or go on a jog or two and even go out and take photos and hang with friends. To be fair, in the moment all of those things are fun and exciting, it just takes so much energy to get to doing those activities. Then when I get home and the festivities are over, I just go straight back to feeling sad and depressed. And I would constantly fall back into the routine that I had mentioned above, validating it by saying “why even do those things if I’m still gonna be sad in the end,” like that mindset just feels so normal and almost usually familiar to say.
That mindset just lives with me in my head day to day, making me just give up on wanting to move forward with things that I say I want to do. I say so much, and want to do so much. In the end, I just don’t even try, like what’s the point if I’m not even going to be happy in the end.
On a more brighter note, I think I am getting closer to moving out of that mindset. I think my new mindset will be “striving for contentment.” Which I’ll being going into more detail in my next blog post. Whether that be two days from now or two months from now, you will at least be hearing about it at some point. Anyways, as with all of my blog posts, I don’t know where this blog was going but I think this is a good stopping point. Anyways, goodnight, goodmoring, gooday, okay bye.
