Blog: The Beginning of my Mental Health Journey
TW: Suicidal Themes, Depressing Themes
Hello again, and thanks for coming by once again. I really appreciate it. If you tuned into my last blog post, you would probably remember me kinda hinting at my mental health at the moment. I think I am going to use this post to kinda go into more detail about that. I know it’s probably not the coolest thing ever to read, so if you don’t really want to read this one then that’s okay, your boy understands. Anyways, once again please read the TW at the top of this post, and if you’re uncomfortable with any of those things then I would advise you to come back for a different blog post or maybe read a different one.
So yeah, I don’t really know what I wanna say to be honest. I’ve always found it pretty hard to open up about my mental health and thoughts. I feel like i’ve always been the one that wouldn’t really want to share my feelings or thoughts because a lot of the time it’s felt like kind of a hassle to other people. Or it at least feels like my problems don’t really matter as much as other people’s problems. Funny enough, i’m usually that person that goes and puts other people’s problems above my own, leaving mine on the back burner. Which recently, has really started to pile up. It’s feels like for the past couple of months, it’s been a lot harder for me to put up an “okay” face. Like that fake happy face that you put up when you don’t want people to worry about you. Like I can’t even act like i’m happy at work anymore which is kinda annoying to me not gonna lie.
If you haven’t noticed, this post isn’t really structured, I really don’t know where I am going with this.
But imma be real with you, i’ve probably been filled with sadness more often than happiness recently. I don’t think it’s really been caused by people or outside factors or anything. I mean, of course trash people or bad things happening definitely affects and adds to the sadness, but I mean I feel like most of my sadness comes from my own mind most of the time. Like, I don’t feel like I am worthy of anything tbh and like I constantly find myself disappointed in who I am and what I am doing. and I’m not even happy with most of the creations I make, or what I look like, stuff like that man. I can barely even motivate myself to do stuff that I used to be passionate about because I always feel like what I end up making won’t be good enough or as good as all the other things I see. That stuff just brings me down so much.
On another depressing note, whenever I am in a negative mood or just sad in general I literally always have suicidal thoughts. Like I don’t even know the last time where I have been sad and haven’t thought about shooting myself or jumping off a cliff. Like imma be real with you, it’s my birthday today and i was thinking of going hiking by myself today, what people didn’t know is that I was really considering not coming back from that trip. Like for real I was going to join the 23 club or something man. And like almost every time I’m driving my car I end up thinking about how one swerve could end all the pain man. That shit sucks man.
And the crazy thing is like, I’m scared of dying man. And idk if i’m more scared about what happens after death or what my friends and family would feel after my death. That shit is crazy and weird man, like I hate thinking about all of that stuff but it really just be constantly in my mind sometimes, living rent free.
But I guess the silver lining (idk if that how the whole phrase goes) to all of this is that I do have a good support system of friends. My girl do be there for me, constantly sensing when i’m ready for cry cry mode, I still don’t know how she does that. And my friends are usually pretty open to talking to me when I need it. TBH I usually don’t talk to anyone and do well in pushing people away when I am sad or just trying to breeze past the topic, but I am trying to get better at that whole thing. I also got a Therapist, for that professional support, which is going pretty good and I think it’s helping.
But yeah, idk where that whole thing went but here we are. If you are still here reading, don’t be sad or anything, your boy is taking steps to figure out how to fight against the urge to down bleach. But for real, thank you for reading all of that, I appreciate it. If you are my personal friend reading this and feel bad, just know that you feel bad because you care about me and that’s really all I want you to do and knowing that you care is already helping. So thanks, and if you’re my girlfriend reading this, thank you for being telepathic. And i’m sorry for being the most accurate Debbi Downer there ever could be.
Anyways, thanks again for stopping by, peace out ✌️
